My life began like many in that it had its joyous moments. I did all the regular stuff a kid does, go to the park, play with friends and attend after school activities. However there were tumultuous moments and traumatic events that shaped the person I became. I told myself many things good and bad and believed all of them. I blamed myself for some events and have spent the rest of my life carrying the guilt and the shame. So at age eight I closed down. How did this look well I hardly ate anything living mostly on sugary treats. I took charge of my schooling pushing myself to do well in tests so i could go to the best grammar school when transferring. I also closed my heart, this I would not realise for a decade or so.
I spent my teens feeling less than, battling skin disorders and running away from any boy that showed an interest in me.
I drank alcohol to give me the confidence I felt I needed to even converse with a potential partner. Anyone that seemed like they wanted too much from me in terms of feelings or the word love I ran for the hills.
But running from relationships wasn't enough I kept telling myself I have to get away, this was one of my underlying pep talks I would have with myself and probably one half the planet partakes in. I don't belong here, I'm better than this, I am better than these people I need to get away and make something of myself.
So I applied to universities in another country and I left home at age 18. I stayed away for 13 years. I came home for the obligatory Christmas vacations but I didn't really feel a part of the family, I felt an outsider.
I lived in different cities in England including London but I still eluded relationships and fell further into ill health. I began to feel lonely and disconnected. I got married but it was a whirlwind affair and eventually that crashed and burned.
I did graduate University and acquired a good job in London but I always struggled with my worthiness of my achievements and continued to look for ways to escape. I struggled to connect to people fully and eventually ended up back in my home town in Ireland.
for the first three weeks I cried non stop. I felt like I had hit rock bottom little did I know then that wasn't even anywhere near the bottom. I felt a failure I was back living at home and in some weird twist ended up back in my high school job, working in a pharmacy. I felt like I was starting over, which I eventually realised wasn't a bad thing as not everyone gets to do this. A second chance.
I immediately went out on the town dressed up to gauge my attractiveness. I was looking for someone else to validate my worth and my beauty how foolish.
I spent my teens feeling less than, battling skin disorders and running away from any boy that showed an interest in me.
I drank alcohol to give me the confidence I felt I needed to even converse with a potential partner. Anyone that seemed like they wanted too much from me in terms of feelings or the word love I ran for the hills.
But running from relationships wasn't enough I kept telling myself I have to get away, this was one of my underlying pep talks I would have with myself and probably one half the planet partakes in. I don't belong here, I'm better than this, I am better than these people I need to get away and make something of myself.
So I applied to universities in another country and I left home at age 18. I stayed away for 13 years. I came home for the obligatory Christmas vacations but I didn't really feel a part of the family, I felt an outsider.
I lived in different cities in England including London but I still eluded relationships and fell further into ill health. I began to feel lonely and disconnected. I got married but it was a whirlwind affair and eventually that crashed and burned.
I did graduate University and acquired a good job in London but I always struggled with my worthiness of my achievements and continued to look for ways to escape. I struggled to connect to people fully and eventually ended up back in my home town in Ireland.
for the first three weeks I cried non stop. I felt like I had hit rock bottom little did I know then that wasn't even anywhere near the bottom. I felt a failure I was back living at home and in some weird twist ended up back in my high school job, working in a pharmacy. I felt like I was starting over, which I eventually realised wasn't a bad thing as not everyone gets to do this. A second chance.
I immediately went out on the town dressed up to gauge my attractiveness. I was looking for someone else to validate my worth and my beauty how foolish.
